My husband Tim is a really creative communicator. It is one of things that helps him to be a really engaging preacher, and one of the things that I love about him. But he has a way of putting things that often is quite powerful, and sometimes that can be a bit confronting.
The other day was one of those times. We were talking about something that he had been thinking about in relation to church planting, and I was "talking him out of it". And he said to me a very thought-provoking phrase that has been running through my head ever since. "Darling, I need a wife, not a hand-brake".
It is a powerful image.
It is particularly powerful because Tim is the car-driver in our relationship, and I am usually sitting in the passenger seat next door. And I was immediately struck with the picture of Tim, driving along and me just reaching out and putting on the hand-brake. I know from a few forgetful incidents: you can still drive with the hand-brake on, but it is definitely a hindrance.
And I suspect this is a common issue within church planting marriages.
My observation, of Tim and others, is that church planters are dreamers and ideas men. They are risk-takers who are willing to try things. You would be hard pressed to find someone who was willing to try church planting who wasn't a risk taker! :) But that doesn't mean that their wives are the same. And while I definitely have some risk taker in me, I am a deliberate thinker and planner. I like to have things sorted out. I immediately think through the problems and hurdles and practicalities in any plan. And this too is a strength, and one that partners well with Tim's.
But how do I use it?
My temptation is just to let my fears rise up and to just list off the problems straight away. To be the hand-break. But that is not helpful. What Tim needs is a wife. Someone to listen. Someone to take seriously his ideas. That doesn't mean that I don't talk through my concerns, that doesn't mean that I don't raise the practicalities. It just means that my first response is to listen, not to put on the hand-brake. I want to take Proverbs 18:13 as my mantra "To speak without listening, that is folly and shame.
And so often, when I do listen, when I do think, when I do wait, I realise the idea is actually great, and I find myself thinking "How can I help Tim make this happen?" rather than "How can I talk Tim out of this?" And even if I'm still unsure, Tim is the leader of the church and I need to be the first in line to trust and follow him.
As I write this post, I can't help thinking about the year that has been, and how far I have fallen short in serving Tim. How many times I have been a hand-break rather than a helper! How thankful I am for grace (the gift from God, not the church this time!). None of us get these things right, wives or husbands. But Father God in his grace uses faulty people to grow his kingdom and plant his churches. And he forgives and his Spirit changes us to be more like his Son.
Father, please help me to be a helper not a handbrake. Amen
Belinda
